I will return again when i'm not such a depressing blogger!
It seems the 'love' part is playing a bigger role than the 'other drugs'
Ta'ra
Holly
xoxo
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Monday, 27 February 2012
I know we haven't spoken for a while...
I know it's been a while but i'm back! More confusion to talk about, but where to start?!
Well, i guess you could say i haven't been around much because i've been busy with numerous things. Firstly, University has been hectic; tutorials, proposals and general assignments, so that's one tiny aspect of things, but as ever there's a more distracting reason.
Him.
Now, call me a push over but things have been good recently, like...really good! To the point where i actually thought things might be changing. But once again, i had to open my mouth and ask what was going on. Can you really blame me? How am i meant to put my mind to rest if he's acting one way then saying something else? I've been really understanding, giving him time to 'find himself' whilst being at his beck and call, when i say it out loud, i sound like such a fool! When friends (and worse still-parents) ask me 'are you back together?' or 'what's going on with you and ***' i just sorta shrug it off and act like i don't care. Truth is, i do! I care more than he'll ever know, not just because of how people obviously think i'm being taken for a mug, but because i really do believe that we can work, and i love him so much i can't bare the thought of losing him even as a friend let alone anything more. I know what you're thinking, if he's not willing to commit why am i hanging around? I don't know, sometimes i think he's just another prick in a rose bush, but deep down, i like to think he actually wants to change, but how will i ever know? I just wish that the roles could be reversed for a week. That he could wake up every morning feeling how i feel. Worrying about what's going on and if i'm being taken advantage of but forcing those thoughts to the back of my head because i convince myself the good out-weighs the bad. Meanwhile, i wish i could awake as him knowing what is ACTUALLY going on inside that head of his. Knowing how it feels to wake up and not give a damn about my feelings, but instead wonder if i'm off work when the new PS3 game comes out. But ofcourse, that will never be and instead i must continue to tackle that fire alone.
Valentine's Day- Yes, i know it's a load of crap (excuse my language), but's it's crap i wish he'd have acknowleged. Course, i went out and bought a card and even wrote a letter explaining how i felt. What did i get back...sweet F.A! It was hard for me. To pluck up the courage and lay my cards out on the table, but ofcorse, he probably thinks it's something i wanted to do.
Arghhh! He doesn't deserve this much contemplation! I swore i wouldn't waste any more time and tears on him, but playing it cool is easier said than done. I hope i wake up in the morning knowing what to do, but i won't. I'll wake up feeling guilty and disappointed as i'll no doubt be shoved back to square one!
Hopefully i'll return with a more positive post soon
Goodnight!
A glum Holly
xoxo
Well, i guess you could say i haven't been around much because i've been busy with numerous things. Firstly, University has been hectic; tutorials, proposals and general assignments, so that's one tiny aspect of things, but as ever there's a more distracting reason.
Him.
Now, call me a push over but things have been good recently, like...really good! To the point where i actually thought things might be changing. But once again, i had to open my mouth and ask what was going on. Can you really blame me? How am i meant to put my mind to rest if he's acting one way then saying something else? I've been really understanding, giving him time to 'find himself' whilst being at his beck and call, when i say it out loud, i sound like such a fool! When friends (and worse still-parents) ask me 'are you back together?' or 'what's going on with you and ***' i just sorta shrug it off and act like i don't care. Truth is, i do! I care more than he'll ever know, not just because of how people obviously think i'm being taken for a mug, but because i really do believe that we can work, and i love him so much i can't bare the thought of losing him even as a friend let alone anything more. I know what you're thinking, if he's not willing to commit why am i hanging around? I don't know, sometimes i think he's just another prick in a rose bush, but deep down, i like to think he actually wants to change, but how will i ever know? I just wish that the roles could be reversed for a week. That he could wake up every morning feeling how i feel. Worrying about what's going on and if i'm being taken advantage of but forcing those thoughts to the back of my head because i convince myself the good out-weighs the bad. Meanwhile, i wish i could awake as him knowing what is ACTUALLY going on inside that head of his. Knowing how it feels to wake up and not give a damn about my feelings, but instead wonder if i'm off work when the new PS3 game comes out. But ofcourse, that will never be and instead i must continue to tackle that fire alone.
Valentine's Day- Yes, i know it's a load of crap (excuse my language), but's it's crap i wish he'd have acknowleged. Course, i went out and bought a card and even wrote a letter explaining how i felt. What did i get back...sweet F.A! It was hard for me. To pluck up the courage and lay my cards out on the table, but ofcorse, he probably thinks it's something i wanted to do.
Arghhh! He doesn't deserve this much contemplation! I swore i wouldn't waste any more time and tears on him, but playing it cool is easier said than done. I hope i wake up in the morning knowing what to do, but i won't. I'll wake up feeling guilty and disappointed as i'll no doubt be shoved back to square one!
Hopefully i'll return with a more positive post soon
Goodnight!
A glum Holly
xoxo
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